FUN STUFF
Lee's Laughs - Page 1 of 2

Some jokes for smiles, giggles and laughs:

    A Mexican family crosses over the border to the Land of Milk and Honey, where the streets are paved with gold. But the husband can find no work. His family is hungry, so he takes a walk to a quiet place at the foot of a big hill, kneels at the base of a tree, and begins to pray: "Sweet Jesus, please show me a way to feed my family..."
    Eyes closed, the Mexican does not see the black man coming over the top of the hill, who is stumbling wildly with a broken grocery sack, and then falls. When the Mexican man opens his eyes, a large wheel of cheddar cheese rolls down the hill and lands at his feet!
    "Oh, thank you Jesus, thank you!" he cries. He grabs the cheese, and runs straight home.
    Upon returning home, he gives the cheese to his wife and instructs her to make nachos.
    "But wouldn't you rather have cheese enchiladas and burritos and other things?" she inquires.
    "No," the husband says, "Jesus sent this home with a message... As
I ran home, I kept hearing Him yelling, 'THAT'S NOT-CHO CHEESE! THAT'S NOT-CHO CHEESE!'

~~~~~~~~

The Blonde and the Truck Driver

    As a trucker in Wisconsin stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."
    The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up . She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door. Again, the trucker lowers the window.
    As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
    At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker lowers the window.  Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"
    When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says "Hi, my name is Kevin, it is winter and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!!"

~~~~~~~~

    A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
    "Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
    "Twelve thirty."

~~~~~~~~

In the wake of the Exxon/Mobil deal and the AOL/Time Warner implode, I wanted to make a few close friends aware of the next expected mergers so you can get in on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.  Watch for these consolidations in late 2002 and make yourself a bundle.

• Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush and W.R. GRace will merge and become:

  • Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace

• Polygram Records, Warner Bros. and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:

  • Polly, Warner, Cracker

• 3M will merge with Goodyear and issue forth as:

  • MMM, Good.

• Zippo Mfg., Audi Motor Car, Dofasco and Dakota Mining will merge
  to become, of course:

  • Zip Audi Do Da.

• Federal Express is expected to join its major competitor, UPS,
  and consolidate as:

  • Fed UP

• Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:

  • Fairwell Honeychild

• Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:

  • Poupon Pants

• Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:

  • Knott NOW!

~~~~~~~~

Scooter For Seniors
Friend sent this to me in E-mail

~~~~~~~~

For all who are feeling a little older and missing those great old tunes, there is good news. Some of the old artists have re-released their greatest hits with new lyrics to accommodate their aging audience.

The Greatest Hits:

• Herman's Hermits - "Mrs. Brown You've Got a Lovely Walker"

• The Rolling Stones - "You Can't Always Pee When You Want"

• Paul Simon - "Fifty Ways to Lose Your Liver"

• Carly Simon - "You're So Varicose Vein"

• The Bee Gees - "How Can You Mend a Broken Hip"

• Roberta Flack - "The First Time Ever I Forgot Your Face"

• Johnny Nash - "I Can't See Clearly Now"

• The Temptations - "Papa's Got a Kidney Stone"

• Nancy Sinatra - "These Boots Give Me Arthritis"

• ABBA - "Denture Queen"

• Leo Sayer - "You Make Me Feel Like Napping"

• Commodores - "Once, Twice, Three Trips to the Bathroom"

• Procol Harem - "A Whiter Shade of Hair"

• The Beatles - "I Get By with a Little Help From Depends"

• Steely Dan - "Rikki Don't Lose That Clapper"

• Credence Clearwater Revival - "Bad Prune a-Rising"

• Marvin Gaye - I Heard It Through the Grape Nuts"

• The Who - "Talkin' 'Bout My Medication

~~~~~~~~

    A NYC blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops at a rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. Terrified, she grabs for the horse's mane, but is unable to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse continues to gallop along, seemingly ignorant of its slipping rider. Finally, unable to get a firm grip on the horse's neck or mane, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot becomes entangled in the stirrup. She is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness and death when to her great fortune, Bobby, the Walmart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.

~~~~~~~~

    A man asked his wife, "If you could have anything in the world for one day, what would you want?"
    "I'd love to be six again," she replied.
    On the morning of her birthday, he got her up bright and early and off they went to a local theme park. What a day! He put her on every ride in the park: the Death Slide, the Screaming Loop, the Wall of Fear - everything there was! Wow! Five hours later she staggered out of the theme park, her head reeling and her stomach upside down. Right to a McDonald's they went, where her husband ordered her a Big Mac along with extra fries and a refreshing chocolate shake. Then it was off to a movie: the latest Hollywood blockbuster, hot dogs, popcorn, Pepsi Cola and M&Ms. What a fabulous adventure!
    Finally she wobbled home with her husband and collapsed into bed. He leaned over and lovingly asked, "Well, dear, what was it like being six again?
    One eye opened. "You idiot, I meant my dress size."
    The moral of this story is: If a woman speaks and a man is actually listening, he will still get it wrong.

~~~~~~~~

    A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.  The girl is wearing a fire fighter's helmet and has the wagon tied to a dog and cat.
    The fire fighter walks over to take a closer look. "That sure is a nice fire truck," the fire fighter says with admiration.
    "Thanks," the girl says.
    The fire fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to the dog's collar and to the cat's testicles.  "Little Partner," the fire fighter says, "I
don't want to tell you how to run your fire truck, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat's collar, I think you could go faster.
    "The little girl replied, "You're probably right, but then I wouldn't have a siren."

~~~~~~~~

FUN STUFF - LINK TO ANOTHER SITE

Check out this site - Fun Color Test!
http://www.humorsphere.com/fun/colortest.swf

~~~~~~~~

Magic Frog

    A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, "Ribbit! 9 Iron."
    The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit! 9 Iron." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the club away, and grabs a 9 iron.
    Boom! He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow! That's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
    The frog replies, "Ribbit! Lucky frog."
    The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole. "What do you think frog?" the man asks.
    "Ribbit! 3 wood."
    The guy takes out a 3 wood and Boom! Hole- in- one. The man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?"
    The frog replies, "Ribbit! Las Vegas."
    They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?"
    The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette."
    Upon approaching the roulette table, the man asks, "What do you think I should bet?"
    The frog replies, "Ribbit! $3000, black 6." 
    Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck. Boom! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table. The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful."
    The frog replies, "Ribbit! Kiss Me."
    He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a gorgeous 15-year-old girl.
    "And that, Your Honor, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me God or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."

~~~~~~~~

Welcome to Texas

    After living for two years in Texas, I can say with 100% metaphysical certitude that these statements are dead-on. Texas, where men are men and the cattle run the
other way!!

• What's the most popular pickup line in Texas?

  • Nice tooth.

• How do you know you're staying in an Texas motel?

  • When you call the desk and say "I've gotta leak in my sink" and the front desk says "go ahead".

• How can you tell if a Texas redneck is married?

  • There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

• Did you hear that they raised the minimum drinking age to 35 in Texas?

  • Seems that they want to keep alcohol out of the high schools.

• What do they call reruns of Hee Haw in Texas?

  • A documentary.

• Why did God invent armadillos?

  • So that Texans can have 'possum' on the half-shell.

• Where was the toothbrush invented?

  • Texas of course! If it had been invented elsewhere it would have been called a teethbrush.

• Did you hear about the $3,000,000.00 Texas state lottery?

  • The winner gets $3.00 a year for a million years.

• Did you hear that the Governors mansion in Austin burned?

  • Yep, pert near took out the whole trailer park.

• What's the best things to come out of Texas?

  • Interstate-20 and Interstate-30.

• Texas State Trooper pulls over a pickup truck on I-30 and says to the driver, "Got any I.D.?"

  • The driver responds, "bout what"?

• What do you get when you have 32 Texans in the same room?

  • A full set of teeth.

~~~~~~~~

    Emily Sue passed away and Bubba called 911. The 911 operator told Bubba that she would send someone out right away. "Where do you live?" asked the operator.
    "At the end of Eucalyptus Drive."
    The operator asked "Can you please spell that for me?"
    There was a long pause and finally Bubba said, "How 'bout I drag her over to Oak St. and you can pick her up there?"

~~~~~~~~

    Two Texans are walking down different ends of the street towards each other, and one is carrying a sack. When they meet, one says, "Hey Tommy Ray, What'cha got in the bag?"
    "Jus' some yard-strollers." (red chickens) Tommy answers.
    "If I guesses how many they are can I have one?"
    "Shoot, ya guesses how many they are, I'll give you both of them."
    "OK. Ummmm...... Five?"

~~~~~~~~

How You Know If You Are a Well-Bred Redneck
Proof that you are a well-bred redneck...

• If you have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say Cool Whip on the side.

• If the biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

• If your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

• If you thought the Unabomber was a wrestler.

• If you've ever used your ironing board as a buffet table.

• If you think a quarter horse is that ride out in front of the K-Mart.

• If your neighbors think you're a detective because a cop always brings you home.

• If a tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 dollars worth of improvement.

• If you've ever used a toilet brush as a back-scratcher.

• If you've ever asked the preacher "How's it hangin?"

• If you missed 5th grade graduation because you had jury duty.

• If you think fast food is hitting a deer at 65MPH.

• If somebody tells you that you've got something in your teeth and you take them out to see what it is.

• If you've ever stared at a can of orange juice because it said concentrate.

• If you've ever been too drunk to fish.

~~~~~~~~

BLACK

When I was born...I was BLACK
When I grew up...I was BLACK
When I am sick...I am BLACK
When I go out in the sun...I am BLACK
When I go out in the cold...I am BLACK
When I die...I am BLACK

BUT YOU WHITE FOLK

When you are born...you are PINK
When you grow up...you are WHITE
When you are sick...you are GREEN
When you go out in the sun...you are RED
When you go out in the cold...you are BLUE
When you die...you are purple
and you have the nerve to call me "COLORED"

~~~~~~~~

President Bush had a colonoscopy the other day, everything was fine. However, they did find 300 more missing Al Gore ballots.

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