FUN STUFF
Lee's Laughs - Page 3 of 3
MORE jokes for smiles, giggles and laughs:
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…
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She called me to get my phone number.
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She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said "concentrate."
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She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
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She got stabbed in a shoot-out.
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She told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK."
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She tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
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She sat on the TV and watched the couch.
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She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
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She tried to drown a fish.
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She thought a quarterback was a refund.
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She got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
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If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you'd get change back.
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They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
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Under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
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She tripped over a cordless phone.
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She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
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At the bottom of the application where it says "sign here"...she put 'Sagittarius.'
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She asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
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It takes her two hours to watch 60 Minutes.
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If she spoke her mind, she'd probably be speechless.
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She studied for a blood test.
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She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
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She thought Meow Mix was a record for cats.
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She thought she needed a token to get on Soul train.
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She sold the car for gas money.
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When she saw the "NC-17" (under 17 not admitted), she went home and got 16 friends.
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When she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
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She thinks Taco Bell is where you pay your phone bill.
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When she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
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When she took you to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left" she turned around and went home.
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Women's Issues - Pregnancy
Q: Should I have a baby after 35?
A: No, 35 children is enough.
Q: I'm two months pregnant now. When will my baby move?
A: With any luck, right after he finishes college.
Q: What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
A: Childbirth.
Q: My wife is five months pregnant and so moody that
sometimes she's borderline irrational.
A: So what's your question?
Q: My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during
labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you're pregnant.
Q: Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A: Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q: Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A: Yes, pregnancy.
Q: Do I have to have a baby shower?
A: Not if you change the baby's diaper very quickly.
Q: Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A: When the kids are in college.
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"ESTROGEN ISSUES"
10 WAYS TO KNOW IF YOU HAVE "ESTROGEN ISSUES"
1. Everyone around you has an attitude problem.
2. You're adding chocolate chips to your cheese omelet.
3. The dryer has shrunk every last pair of your jeans.
4. Your husband is suddenly agreeing to everything you say.
5. You're using your cellular phone to dial up every bumper sticker that says "How's my driving-call 1-800-***-."
6. Everyone's head looks like an invitation to batting practice.
7. You're convinced there's a God and he's male.
8. You can't believe they don't make a tampon bigger than Super Plus.
9. You're sure that everyone is scheming to drive you crazy.
10. The ibuprofen bottle is empty and you bought it yesterday.
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TOP TEN THINGS ONLY WOMEN UNDERSTAND
10. Cats' facial expressions.
9. The need for the same style of shoes in different colors.
8. Why bean sprouts aren't just weeds.
7. Fat clothes.
6. Taking a car trip without trying to beat your best time.
5. The difference between beige, ecru, cream, off-white, and eggshell.
4. Cutting your bangs to make them grow.
3. Eyelash curlers.
2. The inaccuracy of every bathroom scale ever made.
AND, the Number One thing only women understand
1. OTHER WOMEN
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Tales of the Elderly
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought
a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's
perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is
it?"
"Twelve thirty."
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Tales of the Elderly
Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor
to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young
lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing
great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be
cheerful."
The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
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Tales of the Elderly
As a senior citizen was driving down the
freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just
heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
"It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"
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Tales of the Elderly
An elderly gent was invited to his old
friends' home for dinner one evening. He was impressed by the way his buddy preceded
every request to his wife with endearing terms -- Honey, My Love, Darling, Sweetheart, Pumpkin etc.
The couple had been married almost 70 years and, clearly, they were still very much in love.
While the wife was in the kitchen! the man leaned over and said to his
host, "I think it's wonderful that, after all these years, you still call your wife those loving
pet names."
The old man hung his head. "I have to tell you the truth," he said, "I forgot her name about 10
years ago."
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Muslim Terrorists
Everyone seems to be wondering why the Muslim terrorists are so quick to commit suicide. Hmmmm... Let's see now...
No Beer
No Booze
No Bars
No Television
No Internet
No Baseball
No Football
No Basketball
No Hockey
No Golf
Soccer only -- and all the time
No tailgate parties
No tailgates on camels
No Hooters
No Pork BBQ
No hot dogs
No Burgers
No lobster, shellfish, or even frozen fish sticks
Ever try to fish at an oasis?
Rags for clothes and hats
Eating only with your right hand cause you wipe only with your left.
(Like life isn't complicated enough already).
Constant wailing from the guy next door because he is sick and there are no doctors.
Constant wailing from the guy in the tower
No music
No radio
You can't shave
Your wife can't shave
You can't shower to wash off the smell of donkey cooked over burning camel dung.
The women have to wear baggy dresses and veils at all times.
Your bride is picked by someone else.
She smells just like your donkey.
But your donkey has a better disposition.
Then they tell you that when you die it all gets better!
No mystery here
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