FUN STUFF
Lee's Laughs - Page 2 of 2

Some jokes for smiles, giggles and laughs:

Where morning breath comes from:

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The Moles

    A Mama mole, a Papa mole and a Baby mole all live in a little mole hole behind IHOP's.
    One day the Papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says, "Yum! I smell maple syrup!"
    The Mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says "Yum! I smell honey!"
    The Baby mole tries to stick his head out of the hole to sniff the air, but can't because the bigger moles are in the way so he says, "Geez, all I can smell is....


Scroll down.......



Get ready.......



You may never forgive me for this one...



MOLASSES

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    Morris, an 82 year-old man went to the Doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to the man and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
    Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doctor: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.' "
    The Doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."

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    As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang. Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!"
    "It's not just one car," said Herman. "It's hundreds of them!"

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Subject: Government Genie

    A man has spent many days crossing the desert without water. His camel dies of thirst. He's crawling through the sands, certain that he has breathed his last, when all of a sudden he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him.
    He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie.
    But this is no ordinary genie. He is wearing an IRS ID badge and dull gray suit. There's a calculator in his pocket. He has a pencil tucked behind one ear.
    "Well, kid," says the genie. "You know how it works. You have three wishes."
    "I'm not falling for this." Says the man. "I'm not going to trust an IRS auditor."
    "What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"
    The man thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I was in a lush oasis with plentiful food and drink."
    POOF!! The man finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen.
    And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.
    "OK, kid, what's your second wish."
    "My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."
    POOF!! The man finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.
    "OK, kid, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"
    After thinking for a few minutes, the man says "I wish that no matter where I go beautiful women will want and need me."
    POOF!! He is turned into a tampon.
    The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

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OLD GEEZER TEST

1. Where did headlight dimmer switches used to be located?
   a . On the floor shift knob
   b. On the floor, left of the clutch 
   c. Next to the horn

2. The bottle top of a Royal Crown Cola bottle has holes in it. For what was the cap used? 
   a. Capture lightning bugs. 
   b. To sprinkle clothes before ironing 
   c. Large salt shaker

3. Why was having milk delivered a problem in northern winters?
   a. Cows got cold and wouldn't produce
   b. Ice on highways forced delivery by dog sled 
   c. Milkmen left deliveries outside doors and milk would freeze, expanding and pushing up the cardboard bottle top.

4. What was the popular chewing gum named for a game of chance? 
   a. Blackjack 
   b. Gin 
   c. Craps

5. What method did women adapt to look as if they were wearing stockings when none was available, due to rationing during W.W.II? 
   a. Suntan 
   b. Leg painting 
   c. Wearing slacks

6. What postwar WWII car turned automotive design on its ear when you couldn't tell whether it was coming or going? 
   a. Studebaker 
   b. Nash Metro 
   c. Tucker

7. Which was a popular candy when you were a kid? 
   a. Strips of dried peanut butter 
   b. Chocolate-licorice bars 
   c. Wax coke-shaped bottles with colored sugar water inside

8. How was "Butch wax" used? (no gay/lesbian jokes, please) 
   a. To stiffen hair cut into a flattop so it stood up
   b. To make floors shiny and prevent scuffing 
   c. On the wheels of roller skates to prevent rust

9. Before in-line skates, how did you keep your roller skates attached to your shoes? 
   a. With clamps, tightened by a skate key 
   b. Woven straps that crossed the foot 
   c. Long pieces of string or twine

10. As a kid, what was considered the best way to reach a decision? 
    a. Consider all the facts 
    b. Ask Mom 
    c. Eeny-meeny-miney-mo

11. What was the worst thing you could catch from the 'opposite' sex? 
    a. A cold 
    b. VD 
    c. Cooties

12. Song line: "I'll be down to get you in a ________, Honey?" 
    a. SUV 
    b. Taxi 
    c. Streetcar

13. What was the name of Caroline Kennedy's pet pony?
    a. Old Blue 
    b. Paint 
    c. Macaroni

14. What was a Duck-and-Cover Drill? 
    a. Part of the game of hide and seek 
    b. What you did when your mom called you in to do chores 
    c. Hiding under your desk, covering your head with your arms in an A-bomb drill

15. What was the name of the Indian Princess on the Howdy Doody show? 
    a. Princess Summerfallwinterspring 
    b. Princess Sacajewea 
    c. Princess Moonshadow

16. What did all really savvy students do when mimeographed tests were handed out in school? 
    a. Immediately sniffed the purple ink, as this was believed to get you "high" 
    b. Made paper airplanes to see who could sail theirs out the window 
    c. Wrote another pupils name on the top, to avoid failure

17. Why did your mom shop in stores that gave Green Stamps with purchases? 
    a. To keep you out of mischief licking the backs, which tasted like bubble gum 
    b. They could be put in special books and redeemed for various household items 
    c. They were given to the kids to be used as stick-on tattoos

18. Song line: "Praise the Lord, and pass the _________?" 
    a. Meatballs 
    b. Dames 
    c. Ammunition

19. What was the name of the group who made the song "Cabdriver" a hit? 
    a. The Ink Spots 
    b. The Supremes 
    c. The Esquires

20. Who left his heart in San Francisco? 
    a. Tony Bennett 
    b. Xavier Cugat 
    c. George Gershwin

ANSWERS

1. - b) On the floor, to the left of the clutch. (Hand controls, popular in Europe, took till the '60s to catch on)

2. - b) To sprinkle clothes before ironing. Who had a steam iron?

3. - c) Cold weather caused milk to freeze and expand, popping the bottle

4. - a) Blackjack Gum.

5. - b) Special makeup was applied followed by drawing a seam down the back of the leg with eyebrow pencil. (no kidding!)

6. - a) 1946 Studebaker.

7. - c) Wax Coke bottles containing super-sweet colored water.

8. - a) Wax for your flat top (butch) haircut.

9.  - a) With clamps, tightened by a skate key you wore on a shoestring around your neck.

10.  - c) "Eeny-meeny-miney-mo"

11.  - c) Cooties.

12.  - b) Taxi. (Better be ready by half-past eight!)

13.  - c) Macaroni.

14.  - c) Hiding under your desk in an A-bomb drill, covering your head with your arms.

15.  - a) Princess Summerfallwinterspring; (She was another puppet)

16.  - a) Immediately sniffed the purple ink to get "high."

17.  - b) Put into a special stamp book, they could be traded for household items at the local S&S Green Stamp' store.

18.  - c) Ammunition, ("and we'll all be free!")

19.  - a) The all male!, all black group: The Inkspots.

20.  - a) Tony Bennett (and he sounds just as good today!) 

SCORING:

• 17 - 20 correct: You are not only older than dirt, but obviously gifted with mind-bloat. (Now if you could only find your glasses...)

• 12 - 16 correct: Not quite dirt yet, but your mind is definitely muddy.

• 0 - 11 correct: You are a really sad excuse for a geezer.

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    This guy sees a sign in front of a house, "Talking Dog for Sale."  He rings the bell and the owner tells him the dog is in the back yard.  The guy goes into the back yard and sees a mutt sitting there. "You talk?" he asks.
    "Yep," the mutt replies.
    "So, what's your story?" The mutt looks up and says "Well, I discovered this gift pretty young and I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA about my gift, and in no time they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leader, cause no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies eight years running. The jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger and I wanted to settle down. So I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security work, mostly wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings there and was awarded a batch of medals. Had a wife, a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."
    The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
    The owner says "Ten dollars."
    The guy says he'll buy him but asks the owner, "This dog is amazing. Why on earth are you selling him?"
    The owner replies, "Because he's such a liar.

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    A redneck family from the hills was visiting the city and they were in a mall for the first time in their life. The father and son were strolling around while the wife shopped. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, "Paw, What's 'at?"
    The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I dunno.  I ain't never seen anything like that in my entire life, I ain't got no idea'r what it is."
    While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button.
    The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.
    Then the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, voluptuous 24-year-old blonde woman stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his Son, "Boy, go git yo Momma....

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For those who love the philosophy of hypocrisy and ambiguity...

• Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

• One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

• Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

• If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes?

• The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

• I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

• What if there were no hypothetical questions?

• If a mute swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

• If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman around to hear him...is he still wrong?

• If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

• Is there another word for synonym?

• Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice"?

• Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?"

• What do you do when you see an endangered animal eating an endangered plant?

• If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

• Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

• Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

• If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked?

• Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?

• Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?

• If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

• Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines?

• How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

• Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

• What was the best thing before sliced bread?

• One nice thing about egotists: they don't talk about other people.

• Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?

• Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

• How is it possible to have a civil war?

• If God dropped acid, would he see people?

• If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest drown too?

• If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry?

• If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

• Whose cruel idea was it for the word "Lisp" to have a "S" in it?

• Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "assteroids"?

• Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them?

• Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

• Where are we going? And what's with this handbasket?

• If the "blackbox" flight recorder is never damaged during a plane crash, why isn't the whole damn airplane made out of that stuff?

• Why is there an expiration date on sour cream?

• If you spin an oriental man in a circle three times, does he become disoriented?

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    Zebediah was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young layers called pullets and eight or ten roosters whose jobs were to fertilize the eggs.
Zeb kept records and any rooster or pullet that didn't perform well went into the pot and was replaced.
    That took an awful lot of time so Zeb got a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out an efficiency report simply by listening to the bells.
    Zeb's favorite rooster was old Brewster. A very fine specimen he was too - only his bell had not rung all morning! Zeb went to investigate.
    Several roosters were chasing pullets bells a-ringing! But Brewster had his bell in his beak so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one.
    Zeb was so proud of Brewster that he entered him in the county fair. Brewster was an overnight sensation!!
    The judges not only awarded him the no bell piece prize but also the pulletsurprise!

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Red Dot Mystery

    As you know, there is a certain group, caste, or religion in India where the women have a red spot on their forehead. You have probably wondered what this is for. The answer is very simple.
    When they get married their husband gets to scratch it off to see if he won a convenience store, gas station or a motel in America.

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