FUN STUFF
Lee's Laughs - Religious Humor
It is the year 2000 and Noah lives in the United States. The
Lord speaks to Noah and says, "In one year, I am going to make it rain and cover
the whole earth with water until all is destroyed. But I want you to save the righteous people and two of every kind of living thing on the earth.
Therefore, I am commanding you to build an Ark."
In a flash of lightning, God delivered the specifications for an Ark.
Fearful and trembling, Noah took the plans and agreed to build an Ark "Remember," said the Lord, "You must complete the Ark and bring
everything aboard in one year."
Exactly one year later, a fierce storm cloud covered the earth and all
the seas of the earth went into a tumult. The Lord saw Noah sitting in his front yard weeping.
"Noah," He shouted, "where is the Ark?"
"Lord, please forgive me!" cried Noah. "I did my best, but there were
big problems. First, I had to get a permit for construction and your plans did not comply with the codes. I had to hire an engineering firm and
redraw the plans."
"Then I got into a fight with OSHA over whether or not the Ark needed a
fire sprinkler system and floatation devices."
"Then my neighbor objected, claiming I was violating zoning ordinances
by building the Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city planning commission. I had problems getting enough wood for the Ark,
because there was a ban on cutting trees to protect the Spotted Owl. I finally convinced the U.S. Forest Service that I needed the wood to
save the owls. However, the Fish and Wildlife Service won't let me catch any owls. So, no owls."
"The carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to
negotiate a settlement with the National Labor Union. Now I have 16 carpenters on
the Ark, but still no owls. When I started rounding the other animals, I got sued by an
animal rights group. They objected to me only taking two of each kind aboard."
"Just when I got the suit dismissed, the EPA notified me that I could
not complete the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn't take very kindly to the idea that they had
no jurisdiction over the conduct of the Creator of the universe."
"Then the Army Corps of Engineers demanded a map of the proposed new
flood plan. I sent them a globe."
"Right now, I am trying to resolve a complaint filed with the Equal
Employment Opportunity Commission that I am practicing discrimination by not taking godless, unbelieving people aboard!"
The IRS has seized my assets, claiming that I'm building the Ark in
preparation to flee the country to avoid paying taxes. I just got a notice from the state that I owe them some kind of user tax and failed to
register the Ark as a "recreational water craft."
"Finally, the ACLU got the courts to issue an injunction against
further construction of the Ark, saying that since God is flooding the earth, is
a religious event and therefore, unconstitutional. I really don't think I can finish the Ark for another 5 or 6 years!" Noah wailed.
They sky began to clear, the sun began to shine and the seas began to
calm.
A rainbow arched across the sky. Noah looked up hopefully. "You mean
you are not going to destroy the earth, Lord?"
"No," said the Lord sadly. "I don't have to. The government already has."
~~~~~~~~
Brain-twisting Riddle
It's more powerful than God.
It's more evil than the Devil.
The poor have it.
The rich need it.
If you eat it you will die.
Believe it or not, 70% of elementary school children quizzed solved the riddle, and only 17% of college age people figured it out.
Good luck. When you're ready for the answer, scroll down to find it.
Are you sure you're ready for this?
The answer is NOTHING
NOTHING is more powerful than God.
NOTHING is more evil than the Devil.
The poor have NOTHING.
The rich need NOTHING.
If you eat NOTHING you will die.
~~~~~~~~
An elderly lady was well-known for her faith and for her boldness in
talking about the Lord. She would stand on her front porch and shout "PRAISE THE
LORD!"
Next door to her lived an atheist who would get so angry at her
proclamations he would shout, "There ain't no Lord!!"
Hard times set in on the elderly lady and she prayed for GOD to send her some assistance. She stood on her porch and shouted "PRAISE THE LORD! GOD I
NEED FOOD!! I AM HAVING A HARD TIME. PLEASE LORD, SEND ME SOME GROCERIES!!''
The next morning the lady went out on her porch and noted a large bag
of groceries and shouted, "PRAISE THE LORD!" The neighbor jumped from behind a bush and said, "Ha..Ha. I told you there was no Lord. I bought those
groceries; God didn't."
The lady started jumping up and down and clapping her hands and saying, "PRAISE THE LORD!
HE NOT ONLY SENT ME THESE GROCERIES, HE MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM...PRAISE THE LORD!"
~~~~~~~~
SOUL MEDICINE BELOW
A man dies and goes to Heaven. Of course, St.
Peter meets him at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter says, "Here's how it works. You
need 100 points to make it into Heaven. You tell me all the good things you've done, and I give
you a certain number of points for each item, depending on how good it was. When
you reach 100 points, you get in."
"Okay," the man says, "I was married to the same woman for 50 years and
never cheated on her, even in my heart."
"That's wonderful," says St. Peter, "that's worth three points!"
"Three points?" he says.
"Well, I attended church all my life and supported its ministry with my
tithe and service."
"Terrific!" says St. Peter. "That's certainly worth a point."
"One point? I started a soup kitchen in my city and worked in a shelter
for homeless veterans."
"Fantastic, that's good for two more points," he says.
"Two points!" the man cries. "At this rate the only way I get into heaven is
by the grace of God!"
"Bingo, 100 points! Come on in!"
~~~~~~~~
A Room For The Night
Many years ago, a Jewish lady named Mrs. Rosenberg
was stranded late one night at a fashionable resort on Cape Cod -- one that did not admit
Jews. The desk clerk looked down at his book and said, "Sorry, no room. The
hotel is full."
The Jewish lady said, "But your sign says that you have vacancies."
The desk clerk stammered and then said curtly, "You know that we do not
admit Jews. Now if you will try the other side of town..."
Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened noticeably and said, "I'll have you know, I
converted to your religion."
The desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah, let me give you a little test.
How was Jesus born?"
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary in a little
town called Bethlehem."
"Very good," replied the hotel clerk. "Tell me more."
Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born in a manger."
"That's right," said the hotel clerk. "And why was he born in a
manger?"
Mrs. Rosenberg said loudly, "Because a jerk like you in the hotel
wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night!"
~~~~~~~~
HMO's
Two doctors and an HMO manager
died and lined up at the Pearly Gates for admission to Heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify
themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine
surgeon and helped kids overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate
themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager and I
helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You can come in too."
As the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter quietly added, "But you can only
stay three days... After that you can go to hell.
~~~~~~~~
The Maker of all human beings is recalling all units manufactured,
regardless of make or year, due to the serious defect in the primary and central component of the heart. This is due to a malfunction in the
original prototype units code named Adam and Eve, resulting in the reproduction of the same defect in all subsequent units. This defect has
been technically termed, "Sub-sequential Internal Non-morality," or more commonly known as SIN, as it is primarily expressed.
Some other symptoms:
[a] Loss of direction
[b] Foul vocal emissions
[c] Amnesia of origin
[d] Lack of peace and joy
[e] Selfish, or violent behavior
[f] Depression or confusion in the mental component
[g] Fearfulness
[h] Idolatry
[i] Rebellion
The Manufacturer, Who is neither liable nor at fault for this
defect, is providing factory authorized repair and service free of charge to correct this SIN defect.
The Repair Technician, Jesus, has most generously offered to bear the
entire burden of the staggering cost of these repairs. There is no additional fee required.
The toll free number to call for repair in all areas is: P-R-A-Y-E-R.
Once connected, please upload your burden of SIN through the REPENTANCE procedure. Next, download ATONEMENT from the Repair Technician, Jesus,
into the heart component.
No matter how big or small the SIN defect is, Jesus will replace it with:
[a] Love
[b] Joy
[c] Peace
[d] Patience
[e] Kindness
[f] Goodness
[g] Faithfulness
[h] Gentleness
[i] Self-control
Please see the operating manual, HOLY BIBLE, for further details on
the use of these fixes.
As an added upgrade, the manufacturer has made available to all repaired units a facility enabling direct monitoring and assistance
from a resident Maintenance Technician, the Holy Ghost. Repaired units need only make Him welcome and He will take up permanent residence on the
premises!
WARNING: Continuing to operate the human being unit without correction
voids the Manufacturer's warranty, exposing the unit to dangers and problems too numerous to list and will result in the human unit being permanently
impounded.
For free emergency service, call on JESUS.
God Bless you.
~~~~~~~~
BAPTIZING A DRUNK
A man is stumbling through the woods, totally drunk,
when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river. He proceeds to walk into the water and
subsequently bumps into the preacher.
The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of
booze. Where upon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."
So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and
asks the drunk, "Brother have you found Jesus?"
The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
The preacher, shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again but for a little longer this time. He
again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have
you found Jesus, my brother?"
The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."
By this time, the preacher is at his wits end so he dunks the drunk in the water again --- but this
time he holds him down for about 30 seconds. When the drunk begins kicking his arms and legs, the
preacher pulls him up. The preacher asked the drunk again, "For the love of
God, have you found Jesus?
The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher,
"Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
~~~~~~~~
Da Burglar
A burglar broke into a house one night. He shined his flashlight around looking for valuables, and when he picked up a VCR to
place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you."
He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his
flashlight out and froze. When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a long vacation after his next big score, then clicked the light back on and began searching for more valuables.
Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you."
Freaked out, he shined his light around frantically,
looking for the source of the voice. Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a
parrot.
"Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot.
"Yep," the parrot confessed, then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."
The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who the heck are you?"
"Moses," replied the bird.
"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a parrot Moses?"
The bird promptly answered, "Probably the same kind of people that would
name a 140 pound Rottweiler, Jesus."
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